King in Beijing

What?

Tue, 23 May 2006 11:50:54 +0200

After nearly 5 months of being unable to access this blog from China, it suddenly splutters to life!

Never fear, I have not been idle, and there is a new blog. Please adjust your sets to:

www.xanga.com/kinginbeijing

Have had several reports of people not being able to get onto it, so if thise is the case then post a comment here and I'll just use this one instead.

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Hanging Zhou

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 12:07:35 +0100

Good evening!

When bloated island-dwelling loon Marlon Brando burbled in the Godfather part 1 (just watch the first 2, the 3rd one is a shocker), 'you gotta respect the family', in many ways he was right. Mother and Rebecca are currently here in Beijing, it's great to see them, and I think are enjoying themselves (apart from the food poisoning Bec seems to have). Yesterday we visited the Forbidden City (in one adjective, cold), and today was the Great Wall, (colder). I also am now the owner of a fine t-shirt which proclaims 'I climbed the Great Wall'. I'm too cool.

Anyway, I promised I'd update you with the next installment of my travels, so here goes. HANGZHOU! This is a garden city 3 hours on the train from Shanghai. An old Chinese proverb says 'In heaven there is paradise, on earth Suzhou and Hangzhou'. I guess it depends on your definition of paradise... If you like rain and foliage, then Hangzhou is your city! However, paradise for me isn't complete without Stella on tap and The Boss on the jukebox!

Anyway, I digress. Sadly when I got there I could see no sign of a scaffold, or someone called Zhou, although I didn't ask as the second I got out of Hangzhou station my lovely hold-all split open and my worldly belongings spilled out onto the street, how embarrassing. Look at it, it's almost laughing at me:

Perhaps paying 2 pounds for a bag would indicate it not being very good quality... ah well. So anyway, I wasn't there for very long, and so ventured out to the famous 'West Lake' early doors. This was unfortunately shrouded in mist, so you couldn't really see much, but it was very tranquil. I'm glad I liked it, as I think I would have got myself in trouble with the authorities if I didn't...

So I did! It's great to see, the state getting involved in the fun industry.

Then it was time to move on, and the 18 hour train journey to Fuzhou awaited. Buying a train ticket was fun, as with Spring Festival and Chinese New Year coming up, every migrant worker in China is going home. Estimates put the number of people going through Beijing Train Station at 300,000 a day this last week. I got into a scuffle with a smelly man in the ticket office for his lack of queuing etiquette, but with my crazy foreign face I got a guard to help me push back in front of him and I was on my way!

Great! Time for some food one feels. Will update you with Fuzhou fun next, until then, zaijian!

Thomas

OR ELSE I'M GONNA BE SICK...

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Rapping it up

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 09:24:16 +0100

Ni hao one and all!

As nearly everyone's favourite blonde-rinse rapper Eminem once said, 'Guess who's back'? (mine isn't by the way - how you could forget Vanilla Ice? He cooks MCs like a pound of bacon!) I have returned to the 'jing after much fun on my travels.

Because I've got nothing to write about over the next few days, I've got a lot to write about my travels, and my computer has died (again), I shall MC Hammer style 'break it down' into several posts, starting with my week in Shanghai.

After an excursion to the dentist to see Alex get her wisdom tooth ripped out by an Eastern European maniac (VLAD! Is that you?), who was less Dr. Dre and more Dr. Death, I boarded a train to Shanghai to see the lovely Isabel. On the Friday we hit 'plan b', a Canadian Indie-Rock club, and for the first time with feeling in China I hit the dance floor! It's not that I don't like Chinese Rap music - actually I hate it - but being white, 26 and not speaking Chinese very well, it renders the Beijing club scene fairly redundant for me.

We followed this with a nice stroll along the Bund (financy area by the river). It was pretty chilly, so if you purchased a hot beverage you had to be careful it didn't turn into an Ice T... Here is Isabel there, in a picture I'm calling 'Take the photo you numpty, I'm cold':

This was followed by a trip to the market, where I purchase a marvellous pair of aviator-style sunglasses, but more about them later. There was also plenty of coffee and cake consumed, which is never a bad thing, although being downtown Shanghai, it was quite expensive, considerably more than 50 Cent(s). And suddenly it was time to leave - bu hao!

As a post-script to my Shanghai adventures, I shall add that recently I've noticed that the internet isn't nearly as Jewish as it should be. Here is a picture that should hopefully redress the balance:

And with that I shall be on my merry way! Stay tuned for the Hangzhou, Fuzhou and Xiamen episodes, and keep it sleazy,

Thomas

HAPPY NOW PORTER?

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White rabbits

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 07:06:40 +0100

Ni and hao to you all!

I am currently in Shanghai with the lovely Isabel, and suddenly remembered that I had left my beloved blog unwritten for over a week... no! As not much has been happening (got drunk New Years Eve, ate lots of delicious food, haven't see Mr. Huge), I thought I'd copy the world in on my email to my mother and sister. They are coming to China in January and I have prepared them a beginners guide to China so they aren't too shocked by this crazy place!

1. The population. Something I overlooked, everyone here is Chinese... This is a little shocking when you come through the arrivals gate and come face to face with thousands of little Chinamen and women. You are the ethnic minority, which takes a little getting used to.

2. The driving. After the airport comes the taxi or bus, and your first experience of Chinese driving. You will be scared. The indicating is minimal, the honking and light-flashing not so, and you will think death is immanent every 5 seconds or so. However, they never seems to crash (despite all the near-misses), and it gets better slowly - I only wince for half the journey now.

3. The service. After the drive comes the hotel, and with it the service. Chinese service varies wildly. On one hand you have the western-orientated hotels, restaurants and bars, where sycophantic waiters harass you every second of the experience in pigeon-English (I'm informed that this doesn't change even if you speak fluent Mandarin to them). The harassment is something you have to get used to I'm afraid, as being being Western automatically means that a) you are loaded and b) you have no idea of the real value of money. If someone touches your arm or jostles you, push them back, they'll be used to it.

On the other hand you have the normal Chinese shops, where the staff are usually extremely irratated that you have disrupted their phone conversation/sleep/video in order to make them do anything as menial as work. This is much more fun though, and sometimes you get to haggle. A good rule of thumb is take the first price they give you, divide it by say, 5 or 6, and keep repeating that number. They'll either realise you're not for breaking and walk off, or come down, eventually!

4. The weather. It's January, it's Beijing, it's cold. Please bring lots of layers, and a thick coat to top it off. The cold itself isn't so much the problem, but the wind really cuts through you.

5. First steps. So you've made it from the airport and dropped off your bags, now it's time for a wander. Crossing the road is certainly one of the most hazardous parts of your day in China. Think you've followed the green cross code and looked left and right? Look again! Not only do you have to watch out for cars, but also bikes, rickshaws, buggies, push-bikes, carts, motorcycles and donkeys (only joking about the donkeys). They come at you from all directions at break-neck speed, so you have to kind of rotate your neck around like an owl. My golden rule for road-crossing in China is "always cross behind a Chinese person". They seem to have an innate ability to negotiate the roads safely.

6. Fast food. There are lots of KFCs and McDonalds everywhere. Yes, this is unfortunate and unhealthy, but would you all rather live in tower-blocks and work for autonomous collectives??

7. The language. It is very different. After 1 month in Moldova I was kind of understanding what most of the conversations were about. Here after 4 months I am only just picking up very basic stuff. Some useful phrases include: "Ni hao! = hello", "xie xie = thank you", "bu yao! = don't want" (useful for peddlars), "mei you = have none/don't have" (useful for beggars) and "zai jian = goodbye/see you again". Don't worry too much about the tones, say it quite fast and put on your best silly Chinese accent and they nearly always understand.

Righty ho! You should be equipped with some basic knowledges to make your trip go a little more smoothly.

With that I shall go on my merry way (what, you stopped reading ages ago?!). Keep it real, and I shall update the blog with tales of my travels around China in the next few weeks - adventures!

Thomas

WHAT IF YOU DIDN'T PUT ANY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP?

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Christmas time, kareoke and skiing...?

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 13:11:06 +0100

A big Ni hao to one and all!

Hope everyone had a good festive season. The pursuit of an alternative 'Chinese Christmas' led us to Nanshan ski village about 80km east of 'the jing'. After some traditional Christmas Kareoke, we were awoken Christmas morning by a Chinese man screaming 'mei you!' (have none/don't have) from next door. I'd like to think he was disappointed and angry that Santa hadn't left him anything during the night. Or that he wanted some mayonnaise with his chips...

So, the skiing. As there has been no rain since October in the Beijing area, they blast the side of a hill with frozen water every morning, leading to the bizarre sight of snow-covered slopes surrounded by desert. Here you go:

As 13 of the 14 participants had never been skiing before, we had a lesson, but that got a bit boring so a few of us took to the big slopes... I got the hang of going down in a straight line, but other basics like stopping, turning and getting off the ski lift sadly elluded me. Huw, Hannah and Catherine gave us some James Dean style crash moments, but everyone managed to get out virtually unscathed to get back and open our presents. Hooray for presents!

More drinks and the sight of Huw leg-wrestling Santa in his thermals followed, before a trip to the Great Wall on Boxing Day. As it was Boxing Day (and therefore very cold) it was practically deserted, apart from the Mongolian farmers who harass you all the way round trying to sell you things. They left me alone as I was wearing my puffer jacket and army hat, but some people were not so lucky:

Huw looks like a rock star with his entourage! Anyway, to sum up a good time was had by all. Apart from the lady the travel agency sent to look after us, who was accused of theft and had her loaf of bread stolen by Matthew. How naughty!

My lessons on Tuesday were cruelly cancelled (after I'd spent 30 minutes waiting outside for the bus), so I didn't get to say goodbye to Mr. Huge and friends before the Spring break, which was sad. You'll have to wait a while for your updates on the little fellow now. In the meantime, I suggest scrolling down to see his beaming little face, or making yourself a little scrapbook of all your favourite Mr. Huge moments (or MHMs as I like to say).

Right, long blog! Better go and eat some chocolate to recover my energy. Take it steady y'all, and thanks for the Christmas email action.

Zaijian!

Thomas

I'M ON A TRAIN IN A WEEK - HURRY UP TIME!

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So here it is...

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 07:31:15 +0100

My last post before Christmas! Better try and make it highbrow to make up for the 'GG' jokes, here goes.

Latin mime-writer and 100 BC-based clever-clogs Publilius Syrus once said 'never promise more than you can perform'. With a few notable exceptions (usually alcohol related!) I'd like to think I've managed to live my life accordingly. However, promising a picture of Mr. Huge last week was a bit much, as many people seem to be quite excited about it! So, did I manage it? See for yourself:

He's on the right by the way, and although he is only half as tall as his friends, he brings at least twice as much back in comedy. He wished me a 'marry christmas', which I'm pretty sure extends to everyone who has been keenly following his progress over the months.

Christmas Day in China sounds pretty scary to me. As we go to press, the plan is to go skiing (mrrr!), but we need to pay for 14 people by today (24 hours notice), so who knows. Huw is currently locked in negotiations!

Well, I think all that remains is for me to wish everyone a merry christmas and a happy new year (wherever you are), and I'll be back with tales of mayhem from the middle kingdom very soon,

sheng dan kuai le!

Thomas

BAH HUMBUG! MMM... HUMBUG....

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Stocking up for Christmas

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 12:41:25 +0100

big sigh...

Ni hao blog-people!

So what are the haps? This week I invigilated an exam (which for contractual and sheer boredom reasons I won't go into) with a chap who was the spitting image of militant protestant leader Ian Paisley. To steal one of Fritz's gags (jokes that is), I hear he has a new calender out - January, February, March! March! March!

Christmas in China is a strange experience. In the westernised district of Chaoyang, all the trappings are there (decorations, trees etc.), perhaps in even more bad taste than back home:

However, in our slightly less well-heeled district of Fengtai, you see the odd picture of 'Santy Claws', but nothing more. The commercialsation is certainly there, but not the reason behind it - no Carol singing kids, Queen's speech and tramps wearing filthy Santa hats here!

Speaking of which, today I asked the kids to write a letter to Santa. I didn't even need to write anything on the board before Mr. Huge stood up and shouted 'I want a beeeg peeeg!' There seem to be no depths to his comedy genius.

The tape player broke today, meaning that I had to sing the Mariah Carey hit 'All I want for Christmas is you' to the kids. Just look up 'Humiliation' in the dictionary, that'll tell you roughly how it went. In truth I didn't see this coming last year...

New feature! Amusing things my students wrote in their exam. Number 1. (Holiday talk) 'I will go boating on the river thames, as the water there is clear and beautiful'. Hmmm.

Aaaaanyway, time to sign off for another week. My camera is coming with me to see the Juniors next week, so I may have the Christmas present you've all been wishing for... a picture of Mr. Huge! Until then my friends,

Zaijian,

Thomas

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS, UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREEEE - ARGH!

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OK Computer - Not!

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 12:34:22 +0100

Ni hao!

First, an apology for starting with a catchphrase last used in 1992, it seemed alright at the time - not! Anyway, my computer died again, but don't worry, it's fixed (for now). I feel it may be the karma police exacting retribution for not posting for so long!

When golf-course heart-attack victim Bing Crosby sang "Baby it's cold outside", I'd like to think he was thinking of Beijing in December. Brrr! The little guy at the end of our road who mends bicycle punctures couldn't work yesterday because his bowl froze. He seemed happy though, street spirit I guess... Here is a picture of the frozen Forbidden City moat which I didn't take:

I hate to sound sorry for myself (or like Marvin the paranoid android) here, but I am English (effortlessly mixing self-pity with weather obsession), but it's cold. I mean really cold. Here, look for yourself. Not so lucky now huh?

According to one of the teachers, it'll stay like this until February. Creep. As well as the mandatory 2 t-shirts, jumper, coat, hat, gloves and scarf, I feel I may be forced to invest in some thermal underwear (or 'long johns'), and I have also been subjected to the ultimate humiliation for men - hand cream. I had to go and kick a football around, drink a beer, growl and swear for 5 minutes to feel manly again. But my dignity has survived - just!

Mr. Huge continues to provide entertainment as big as his name! Today I got him to demonstrate to the class how to use a knife and fork, which he had no idea how to do, and he ended up destroying the bread I gave him with crazed hacking motions. He also kept interrupting my food lessons by shouting "sausage!" at random intervals. He is a genius, pure and simple.

Long post! Time to go one feels. Keep it cool (it certainly is here!). Cue exit music...

Zaijian!

Thomas

NO ALARMS AND NO SUPRISES (PLEASE)

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Back to reality

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 14:17:00 +0100

Guten tag Blog-surfers!

Has it really been nine whole days since I updated? It seems like only yesterday...

I have returned from my visit to Shanghai to see the lovely Isabel, and it was surely the bestest weekend ever in China! We checked out the garden city of Suzhou, which was very nice. Here is a picture of me looking like the sirry-irriot I am:

On Saturday morning in Suzhou, the locals were shocked when at breakfast we ordered what we thought was a coffee, but turned out to be an 'Irish Coffee' - woah! (in a Bill and Ted stylee). So slightly worse for wear we stumbled around places such as the 'Garden of the master of the nets', and the 'Surging Wave Pavilion', although we didn't make it to the 'Mystery Shop of Holy Things'.

Upon returning to Shanghai, we had an afternoon in Zhongshan Park, where the spirit of John Travolta circa 1974 lives on in Chinese form:

You see it in parks all over China, people happily dancing away without a care in the world, with a disc jockey spinning the latest tunes from the hit parade for all the groovy cats.

All in all, a brilliant weekend, and now everyone can live my weekend too! The photos are on my 'King in Beijing - The album' website (see link on the right hand side'. If you like... there are lots of them though!

In other news, it's nearly Christmas and I'm still waiting for the postman to bring me that stack of cards and presents. Must be en-route...

Until next time, keep watching the skis,

Thomas

FOUR

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William, it was really nothing

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 10:13:14 +0100

Ni hao my friends,

Excitement! Today we auditioned for an as-yet untitled TV show to be broadcast on Chinese national TV. I read for the role of a 35 year old American doctor who was angry with one of his nurses. Sadly, the doctor in the script can speak fluent Chinese (and has many lines in said language), and while my Chinese is a lot of things, fluent it is not. I gallently put on my best angry voice and shouted at the director in Chinese, but I feel that you may have to wait a while to see me on your screens!

What else has been happening? I had my first bicycle riding experience in China. It was very scary, and I feel I may need to improve a lot to get as good as this guy:

Not an isolated incident, if possible most Chinese people like to cycle balancing something on their shoulders. I also saw a man cycling with a puppy in his coat the other day.

Anyway, after almost 2 years away from the King's court, guess who rocks up in Beijing?

No need! William is very well, and has so far stayed away from the swimming pools of Beijing. Within a day of getting to my school he was put to work assessing whether students could take part in a foreign exchange programme. Only in China!

The coming week sees me travelling down to Shanghai, and paying a visit to the garden city of Suzhou, home of many canals, and (according to the Lonely Planet) a shop called 'The Mystery Shop of Holy Things'. I can't wait! Until next time, adios amigos,

Thomas

A QUARTER OF A YEAR, WOW!

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The times they are a 'Tianjin'...

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 10:51:07 +0100

I can hear the groans halfway round the world.

Apologies for not updating sooner, all a bit hectic with exams and time off afterwards. I used my time off very productively. One of the things I did was to go and see Little Tom in Tianjin, which is about an hours train ride south east of Beijing.

According to www.tianjinexpats.com, Tianjin is the biggest city no one has ever heard of (around 10 million people reside in the Greater Tianjin area), and apparently comes in behind Mexico City as the 2nd dirtiest city in the world. To be honest I didn't think it was that bad, but I am living in Beijing! Reading the amusing blog entitled "where the streets have no drains" (clever U2 reference there, but it doesn't make the band any less average) the city doesn't seem to cope well with rain!

Anyway, here is a picture of Little Tom in 'Ancient Culture Street', jigging with happiness as he had just bought a bamboo flute:

Which he played for the stall-owners, the taxi driver and the waitress in the bar. Lovely stuff. I think I drank about as much beer in two days as I have in my entire time in Beijing!

So, what else have I done with my spare time? I've used it to grow a beard, look!

Nice. Back to reality on Tuesday, urgh...I mean, hooray! Until the next time, zaijian!

Thomas

GET RID OF THE BEARD? YES OR NO..?

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How to take an exam - Chinese style

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 13:39:47 +0100

Here is a quick guide to taking an exam in China:

1. Push your desk as close as possible to your neighbour.
2. Make sure you have a large pile of books, other junk and of course your English revision handout on your desk. Ignore repeated instructions to move them.
3. Keep your computer dictionary on your lap, and blatently check it throughout the exam, despite the fact it is written on the board you are not allowed them (and the teacher has told you 3 times not to use them). Look shocked and surprised when you received a warning.
4. Catch up with the latest gossip or just exchange answers with your friends in a whisper that can be heard in the next district.
5. Why not write a summary of the revision sheet on a tissue, and then pretend to dab your eye with it?
(This option is for advanced exam-takers only!)
6. If you finish early, DO NOT check through your answers. If possible either go to sleep on your desk, or finish off that tricky chemistry homework Mr. Wang set you last week. Throw a tantrum when told not to do this, and mutter Chinese swear-words when you receive a warning for said tantrum.
7. Finished early suggestion 2. Why not catch up with the latest football gossip with a magazine hidden under your desk?

It's been a tough week, but the exams are over! Time for a well earned rest I think. Pictures coming soon, for now, zaijian!

Thomas

COOL ENGLISH! GOOD TEACHER!

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November spawned a monster

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 15:17:58 +0100

Ni hao blog readers!

Apologies for being out of action for so long, it's all been a bit much for me lately what with setting exams for the little cherubs and what-not. When I told them they had an exam, they reacted with a mixture of shock and anger, shouting "No! No exam teacher no exam!" We'll see how we get on tomomorrow, am expecting more cheating than a Spanish stag night, but we shall see.

Anyway, food in China. It has been pointed out to me several times that if all the Chinese ate was beef chow mein with half-rice/half chips (with prawn crackers), then they would all be enormous. And they're not. So, what do they eat?

Well, food is very important here, and as any guidebook worth its salt will tell you, a standard greeting here is 'ni chi le me?' or, 'have you eaten?'. This can be another way of saying 'how are you?', or can just mean 'have you eaten?', and can get very confusing. For me anyway.

In terms of actual food, they love their dumplings here - but not the Devil's dumplings I hasten to add! They also like something called a 'hotpot'. Sadly this is not the same as in the North of England, where (if you believe the stories) people in flat caps gather round a steaming bowl of meat and potatoes and talk about their pigeons. A Chinese Hotpot involves the waiter firing up a parafin lamp, putting a bowl of water and oil on top of said lamp, and then brings out the raw ingredients for you to cook for yourself... It's all good fun and very cheap, but if you have a sensitive stomach or are vegetarian, it may be wise to steer clear!

A very quick MHU, he was told off today for drawing what looked remarkably like a camouflage uniform in his book, and then spent the rest of the lesson sulking.

Sorry there are no photos, I have to go and clear out some space from my site so I can put more on (or pay 4 euros a month for more space, hmmm). Time for bed one feels, am feeling decidedly dodgy after yesterdays flu injection and todays food. Yikes.

Wan an,

Thomas

5 MORE PAGES OF MY BOOK TO GO... THE TENSION IS KILLING ME!

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Pocket and rocket

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 11:08:43 +0200

Good afternoon from chilly Beijing!

Still no internet, so computer mark 1 is still my weapon of choice. So, space rockets! Did you hear about Shenzhou 6 (the ballistic m1ssile that the Chinese strapped 2 men to the side of and blasted into space)? We did... Amid the wall-to-wall nationalistic fervour created by the launch, I found this moving tribute from class 9:

I knew they were excited about it, but not that excited...

Anyway, for those who are suffering from MHUWS (Mr. Huge Update Withdrawal Symptoms), never fear! He was able to recite 'the rat ran over the river with a lump of raw liver' without mentioning tanks, and then spent the rest of the lesson drawing what appeared to be an anaconda on the back of his book. One word, legend.

Ok, time to go one feels, hunger setting in and those dumplings won't eat themselves,

zaijian!

Thomas

LOOKING FOR THE CAN IN THE CANDY STORE

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Sympathy for the devil

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 12:10:32 +0200

Wan shang hao!

Or good evening, whatever takes your fancy. My internet is broken, so I am in the school office using what appears to be China's first computer - and it doesn't like English much! First up, a couple of thank yous:

1. To the people who kindly organised a sports day which started at 7:30am on Sunday. I didn't need any more sleep at all, and the screaming down the microphone was a lovely touch.

2. To the internet powers-that-be here for blocking access not only to bbc news, but now to my favourite online encyclopedia wikipedia. All that free information was making me scared and confused - but what shall I do now???

Here is a picture of our road, courtesy of Mr. Huw (in my opinion the next David Bailey!).

To explain my title, I was playing a 'blind date' style game with the students on Friday, when guess who's number gets pulled out of the bag? Poor old Satan! Amid a deafening roar of barracking from the other 57 students, she had to pick her date from 3 shoe-gazing numpties who I named Tom, Dick and Harry for the purpose of the exercise. When she finally picked Harry, the screams from the class made a football match look like a Trapist monk convention, and Satan went as red as she is in her pictures! If looks could kill, I'd have multiple stab wounds. The wrong side of Satan is NOT the right side to be.

I also had a curry on Friday. I am not one for over-exaggeration, but it was the best meal ever. And Rolls-Royce paid for most of it! Thank you Phil!

Right, time to go, I have a Hallowe'en lesson to plan, woooooooooooooooo!!! Until next time, zaijian,

Thomas

I CAN'T BELIEVE I SPELT IT WITH AN O...

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Widespread and inadequate

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 12:11:05 +0200

Afternoon y'all!

The feedback I have received from my last 2 posts has been somewhat critical of my alarmist attitudes. I thought I might have been a little hasty, but then one of those group emails dropped into my inbox from the Foreign Office. It was titled:

'10 things you need to know about pandemic influenza'

Here are some of the hightlights:

'3. The world may be on the brink of another pandemic'. Ok, I can live with that, just as long as Britain and China are ok right?

'4. All countries will be affected'. Yikes. Well, it should be ok as long as it's fairly isolated...

'5. Widespread illness will occur'. That's not good. Surely there will some sort of remedy for this?

'6. Medical supplies will be inadequate'. Really? Well maybe people might just shake it off?

'7. Large numbers of deaths will occur'. Oh my god, that's terrible

'8. Economic and social disruption will be great'. (Quiet sobbing...)

And that's from the government and the World Health Organisation! I may go and live in an oxygen tent somewhere. Anyone know of any places that don't have birds?

Will update you all with a more sensible post soon,

Zaijian,

Thomas

2 MONTHS! (AND THIS TIME I HAVE THE DATE RIGHT!)

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What is big, ballistic, and at my school?

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 11:18:47 +0200

Ni men hao wo de peng you!

... or hello my friends, which is a lot simpler. Apologies for the slackness on the update front. A hectic weekend of drinking and kindergarten teaching (although sadly not in that order) and the inevitable recovery time has put me out of action for a little while, but I'm back with avengence!

So what's been happening? Well, I don't wish to alarm you (especially as my last post was a little jumpy), but strange things are afoot at Beijing No.12 Middle School. They have been 2 building plinths (is that the plural? I am an English teacher you know) to put something on for a while now, and last week they unveiled:

A sundial. Quite classy you think, a nice touch. So what's on the other one?

Right. From the rising and setting of the sun I have worked out the missile is facing due east. So which countries are east of Beijing?

North Korea. That's not so bad, they seem to get on ok considering. South Korea. Hmmm, they seem fairly small fish to fry for the Chinese (who seem to prefer dog and turtle anyway). What about further east?

Oh dear god.

Moving swiftly on, another Mr. Huge update for you, the guy is an evil genius. In a seemingly innocuous exercise where you had to say where you most want to go on holiday, and what you'd take with you (and after much cajoling), he wrote down 'I would sail to New York in a battleship. I would take some tanks with me'. I was in pieces the rest of the lesson, I think he has accidentally revealed his plan to take over the world to me.

Perhaps in my next post I can tell you all about the 'imposter spotting' I'm being trained to do, but I feel exhausted after all that. Keep it real and keep in touch,

Zaijian,

Thomas

IS IT ME, OR IS ENGLISH HUMOUR VERY STRANGE?

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Apocalypse Hao

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 17:43:22 +0200

Ni hao,

Another off-beat look at the world of the 'middle country' awaits. Are you scared yet? You should be:

One of these guys waving their arms around like demented windmills might be running your life in years to come. Sorry, that might be a slight over-exaggeration, but I am prone to them... They are taking part in the morning exercise, which is done to a crazy half Gregorian Monk half Euro-house tune, while a drill instructor shouts at them over the loudspeaker.

So (my favourite classroom filler), what's been happening? Mr. Huge has learnt to count to 6 and can spell stomach, although his tank name badge has gone. Huw and I have been judges at the School Science (in English) competition, and I have been attempting to teach the pupils about dating, with mixed results (as they are not allowed to date each other in school - whoops!).

One of my exercises involved describing their 'perfect partner'. The boys are very predictable (Beautiful girl! Lovely girl!), but the girls have not been so. Several had written 'average looking' or 'ugly' on the sheet. When challenged, their response was 'if he is good-looking, all the girls will love him, if he is not, then he will love ONLY ME'. So young, but so cynical!

Right, before this post becomes officially uncool for our A.D.D. generation I shall sign off. Here is a picture of some typical Chinese supermarket snacks you can catch at your local shop:

Shell-tastic! Best wishes from the 'jing,

Thomas

GOT IT. LEONARD COHEN = SONGWRITER, LEONARD NIMOY = STAR TREK.

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Bahrain in pain falls mostly on the plain

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 07:17:28 +0200

Ni men hao!

So what's new? I was shocked into shame to discover that not only has one of my good friends Stuart "Senator" Clash moved to Beijing, he has also taken up cycling:

Anyway, I settled in at 11pm on Saturday to watch England v Austria on China's premier sports channel CCTV5. Sadly, what was bad news for England and Austria fans was good news for China's millions of football fans from Uzbekistan and Bahrain, as they were showing that game instead... After much agitated button-pushing I managed to locate the proper football, although on a very fuzzy Taiwanese channel. Which. Fortunately. Doesn't. Seem. To. Have. Affected. Me. For the record, Bahrain and Uzbekistan drew 1-1.

After the week-long holiday I was forced back to work on Sunday - there is something very wrong about that. I'm off to see Mr. Huge and co. tomorrow (see the entry 'My Favourite Chinglish names for details of Mr. Huge), I'll let you know what kind of weaponry he's sporting on his name-tag this time.

On that note, I'll leave you to it, for now, a bientot!

Thomas (with one s)

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Why can't I think of a pun with 'wall' in it?

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 18:37:37 +0200

Ni hao!

good to see the site hitting the big time, with over 100 visitors now! I'm sure there's only one person who cares, and he is now a person who has ridden a camel:

I think he had the hump with me though...

Anyway, that was at the Beijing Botanical gardens, we ended up there accidentally. A place we didn't end up accidentally was:

The Great Wall! Izzi and I managed to walk the 10km from Jinshanling to Simatai, despite having being driven there by a guy who had never driven on a dual carrigeway before... for 4 hair-raising hours. It was well worth it though. The people that must either sleep on the wall or get up at insane-o'clock to harass you most of the way along are not worth it, but they provide some entertainment. 'Looky looky, postcard t-shirt coke beer sprite water picture, you buy later?' No. All good fun though.

So, camels and walls aside, what have I been up to? October the 1st was National Day. In 1949 a chap who's name I probably shouldn't mention stood in a square that sets off most internet firewalls and said some things that most people won't find remotely interesting. But the upshot of it was that the People's Republic of China was founded.

The whole country has 1 weeks holiday, and most of it seems to have come to Beijing! We posed with various Chinese people for photos in 'The square' today, which was nice! Back to school on Sunday (to make up for the time lost in the holiday... why Larry??).

Ok, time to go, I'll leave you with a couple of adjectives that I always like to associate with my carrots:

'Delicious and safe'... mmm

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My favourite 'Chinglish' names

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 07:35:31 +0200

Wow! 77 visits so far! I'm in danger of becoming an underground success...

Anyway, here are some of my favourite English names Chinese children have given themselves (that I have in my class or I have heard of):

- Batman
- Chicken
- Computer
- Donkey (Chicken and Donkey are in Huw's class, and apparently are inseperable)
- Dracula
- Honey (the biggest guy in the class)
- Manchester United
- Maroon
- Miss Lucy (a boy - less of a name and more of a declaration one feels)
- Monkey
- Moo Moo
- Mr. Huge (my favourite pupil - he's the smallest kid in the class, sports blue-rimmed glasses, speaks virtually no English and has drawn a picture of a tank on his name card, which is flying a flag with 'Mr. Huge' emblazened on it in Orange pen)
- Mr. Herbert (I tried to explain to the boy that this was my name, so he changed it to 'Mrs. Herbert', before we settled on 'Mr. Jake'...)
- Nebula (I wish I'd been named Nebula now)
- Nothing
- Pig
- Satan (a tiny Chinese girl - but who says she can't be? Not me anyway!)
- Sophie Dupont (is that someone famous?)
- Spider
- The Wizard of Oz

Lessons are never dull... Anyway, I feel I must apologise to Little Tom for the wholesale theft of his website address, background and several pictures! He can be quite scary you know:

Please read his website (link should be on the left hand side of the screen), it's much funnier than mine and it's original... and then click back onto mine to boost my 'visit total' stats. I'm really cool you know.

For now, keepin' it real,

Thomas

2 DAYS AND COUNTING!!

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Moving (and grooving)

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 12:52:17 +0200

Ni hao from a decidedly colder Beijing! The new website seems to be working well, and according to my stats page I have received 34 visits since the site has been running, huzzah!

Anyway, to reward you for your patience during the difficult moving period, here is a picture from Little Tom's school:

I hadn't really though of it like that before, but now you come to mention it...

Anyway, I was a little worried I might not have enough material to justify an entry, (apart from one lad crying in my class because his mate called him a pig - I think a pig would have been the best thing I'd have been called at Downend School!) but that was before yesterday! I arose at 5:30am to trek across town and teach a bunch of kindergarten students for extra cash. The best part was when they gave me my money! They were all only children from rich backgrounds who would have obviously preferred to be in bed or at KFC...

I did 8 hours of that, followed by a trip home, then straight out with my ill-gotten gains to the bar! It gets a bit hazy from then, but I recall a 7 beers for 60 kuai offer, a hip-hop club, meat on a stick and an illegal taxi ride home:

Anyway, I have been mostly sleeping and avoiding cleaning the flat today. It has been brought to my attention there are no pictures of said flat online. I'll get on it. In the meantime, thanks for your comments and the German welcome to 'Peking' (I thought only 80 year old British expats called it Peking, I may be wrong though!).

Keep in online!

Thomas

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Bad men beware!

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 15:21:29 +0200

A quick word of warning to the evil-doers who stole Huw's wallet and bicycle. We know where you live... Beijing (probably)

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A quick review...

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 17:35:25 +0200

Ni hao! So, those of you who might be missing the old King in Beijing site... nostalgia isn't what it used to be eh? For those crazy few, here is a brief recap of events so far, kind of like the 'previously on 24' but without the explosions and smouldering romantic tension!

My leaving party was a great success, and all my friends chipped in and bought me a leaving present...

Now remember, it's a Typhoon in the Pacific, and a Hurricane in the Atlantic.

Shanghai was lots of fun, and I made lots of new friends...

Sadly my new friends turned on me, and I was forced up along with Izzi to join them in an acapella version of the Sound of Music 'classic' Doh Ray Me. In front of 200 people. My not knowing any of the words or actions made it difficult, but not impossible.

The train ride to Beijing was interesting...

But when we got there it was well worth it...

Vienetta stick!

Right, I think that brings us up to date. There was some teaching and some culture as well, but I'm sure no one's interested in that. For the full sordid affair feel free to re-tread at:

http://groups.msn.com/KinginBeijing/_whatsnew.msnw

Right, I'm off to research differences between American and British English. Fanny pack anyone?

Thomas

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Reasons to move

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 06:46:30 +0200

Hello again!

As you are here you are no doubt aware that the world famous 'King in Beijing' website has moved house! I know this is a dratted nuisance, but it really is for the best. Here are some reasons, in no particular order.

Number 1 = The other site was running out of space
Number 2 = It was difficult for people to post 'silly comments'
Number 3 = I am quite shallow, and my friend 'Little Tom' (all is explained in my post dated 19th Sep) has a blog at this address and it looked much better!

Hooray! My pictures will remain at:

http://spaces.msn.com/members/kinginbeijing/

Unless I get bored or find a better site. Here is a picture of a double-seated motorbike. Awesome:

Right, Huw and I are due a visit from the British Council lady, where I aim to kick up a fuss about having to pay 400 yuan for a 'foreign experts card'. If you're really lucky next post I'll tell you about the time I did a full gym induction wearing a shirt and trousers. It was magic.

Keep it safe, keep it secret!

Thomas

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