King in Beijing

Good evening!

When bloated island-dwelling loon Marlon Brando burbled in the Godfather part 1 (just watch the first 2, the 3rd one is a shocker), 'you gotta respect the family', in many ways he was right. Mother and Rebecca are currently here in Beijing, it's great to see them, and I think are enjoying themselves (apart from the food poisoning Bec seems to have). Yesterday we visited the Forbidden City (in one adjective, cold), and today was the Great Wall, (colder). I also am now the owner of a fine t-shirt which proclaims 'I climbed the Great Wall'. I'm too cool.

Anyway, I promised I'd update you with the next installment of my travels, so here goes. HANGZHOU! This is a garden city 3 hours on the train from Shanghai. An old Chinese proverb says 'In heaven there is paradise, on earth Suzhou and Hangzhou'. I guess it depends on your definition of paradise... If you like rain and foliage, then Hangzhou is your city! However, paradise for me isn't complete without Stella on tap and The Boss on the jukebox!

Anyway, I digress. Sadly when I got there I could see no sign of a scaffold, or someone called Zhou, although I didn't ask as the second I got out of Hangzhou station my lovely hold-all split open and my worldly belongings spilled out onto the street, how embarrassing. Look at it, it's almost laughing at me:

Perhaps paying 2 pounds for a bag would indicate it not being very good quality... ah well. So anyway, I wasn't there for very long, and so ventured out to the famous 'West Lake' early doors. This was unfortunately shrouded in mist, so you couldn't really see much, but it was very tranquil. I'm glad I liked it, as I think I would have got myself in trouble with the authorities if I didn't...

So I did! It's great to see, the state getting involved in the fun industry.

Then it was time to move on, and the 18 hour train journey to Fuzhou awaited. Buying a train ticket was fun, as with Spring Festival and Chinese New Year coming up, every migrant worker in China is going home. Estimates put the number of people going through Beijing Train Station at 300,000 a day this last week. I got into a scuffle with a smelly man in the ticket office for his lack of queuing etiquette, but with my crazy foreign face I got a guard to help me push back in front of him and I was on my way!

Great! Time for some food one feels. Will update you with Fuzhou fun next, until then, zaijian!

Thomas

OR ELSE I'M GONNA BE SICK...

Ni hao one and all!

As nearly everyone's favourite blonde-rinse rapper Eminem once said, 'Guess who's back'? (mine isn't by the way - how you could forget Vanilla Ice? He cooks MCs like a pound of bacon!) I have returned to the 'jing after much fun on my travels.

Because I've got nothing to write about over the next few days, I've got a lot to write about my travels, and my computer has died (again), I shall MC Hammer style 'break it down' into several posts, starting with my week in Shanghai.

After an excursion to the dentist to see Alex get her wisdom tooth ripped out by an Eastern European maniac (VLAD! Is that you?), who was less Dr. Dre and more Dr. Death, I boarded a train to Shanghai to see the lovely Isabel. On the Friday we hit 'plan b', a Canadian Indie-Rock club, and for the first time with feeling in China I hit the dance floor! It's not that I don't like Chinese Rap music - actually I hate it - but being white, 26 and not speaking Chinese very well, it renders the Beijing club scene fairly redundant for me.

We followed this with a nice stroll along the Bund (financy area by the river). It was pretty chilly, so if you purchased a hot beverage you had to be careful it didn't turn into an Ice T... Here is Isabel there, in a picture I'm calling 'Take the photo you numpty, I'm cold':

This was followed by a trip to the market, where I purchase a marvellous pair of aviator-style sunglasses, but more about them later. There was also plenty of coffee and cake consumed, which is never a bad thing, although being downtown Shanghai, it was quite expensive, considerably more than 50 Cent(s). And suddenly it was time to leave - bu hao!

As a post-script to my Shanghai adventures, I shall add that recently I've noticed that the internet isn't nearly as Jewish as it should be. Here is a picture that should hopefully redress the balance:

And with that I shall be on my merry way! Stay tuned for the Hangzhou, Fuzhou and Xiamen episodes, and keep it sleazy,

Thomas

HAPPY NOW PORTER?

Ni and hao to you all!

I am currently in Shanghai with the lovely Isabel, and suddenly remembered that I had left my beloved blog unwritten for over a week... no! As not much has been happening (got drunk New Years Eve, ate lots of delicious food, haven't see Mr. Huge), I thought I'd copy the world in on my email to my mother and sister. They are coming to China in January and I have prepared them a beginners guide to China so they aren't too shocked by this crazy place!

1. The population. Something I overlooked, everyone here is Chinese... This is a little shocking when you come through the arrivals gate and come face to face with thousands of little Chinamen and women. You are the ethnic minority, which takes a little getting used to.

2. The driving. After the airport comes the taxi or bus, and your first experience of Chinese driving. You will be scared. The indicating is minimal, the honking and light-flashing not so, and you will think death is immanent every 5 seconds or so. However, they never seems to crash (despite all the near-misses), and it gets better slowly - I only wince for half the journey now.

3. The service. After the drive comes the hotel, and with it the service. Chinese service varies wildly. On one hand you have the western-orientated hotels, restaurants and bars, where sycophantic waiters harass you every second of the experience in pigeon-English (I'm informed that this doesn't change even if you speak fluent Mandarin to them). The harassment is something you have to get used to I'm afraid, as being being Western automatically means that a) you are loaded and b) you have no idea of the real value of money. If someone touches your arm or jostles you, push them back, they'll be used to it.

On the other hand you have the normal Chinese shops, where the staff are usually extremely irratated that you have disrupted their phone conversation/sleep/video in order to make them do anything as menial as work. This is much more fun though, and sometimes you get to haggle. A good rule of thumb is take the first price they give you, divide it by say, 5 or 6, and keep repeating that number. They'll either realise you're not for breaking and walk off, or come down, eventually!

4. The weather. It's January, it's Beijing, it's cold. Please bring lots of layers, and a thick coat to top it off. The cold itself isn't so much the problem, but the wind really cuts through you.

5. First steps. So you've made it from the airport and dropped off your bags, now it's time for a wander. Crossing the road is certainly one of the most hazardous parts of your day in China. Think you've followed the green cross code and looked left and right? Look again! Not only do you have to watch out for cars, but also bikes, rickshaws, buggies, push-bikes, carts, motorcycles and donkeys (only joking about the donkeys). They come at you from all directions at break-neck speed, so you have to kind of rotate your neck around like an owl. My golden rule for road-crossing in China is "always cross behind a Chinese person". They seem to have an innate ability to negotiate the roads safely.

6. Fast food. There are lots of KFCs and McDonalds everywhere. Yes, this is unfortunate and unhealthy, but would you all rather live in tower-blocks and work for autonomous collectives??

7. The language. It is very different. After 1 month in Moldova I was kind of understanding what most of the conversations were about. Here after 4 months I am only just picking up very basic stuff. Some useful phrases include: "Ni hao! = hello", "xie xie = thank you", "bu yao! = don't want" (useful for peddlars), "mei you = have none/don't have" (useful for beggars) and "zai jian = goodbye/see you again". Don't worry too much about the tones, say it quite fast and put on your best silly Chinese accent and they nearly always understand.

Righty ho! You should be equipped with some basic knowledges to make your trip go a little more smoothly.

With that I shall go on my merry way (what, you stopped reading ages ago?!). Keep it real, and I shall update the blog with tales of my travels around China in the next few weeks - adventures!

Thomas

WHAT IF YOU DIDN'T PUT ANY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP?